PaMeLa

Its been ages since I last made a post here…Ive been through some things these past few months…But to sum it all up, I discovered that even if you feel that your whole life’s a mess, there’s still so many things to be happy about…I always thought of giving up but then I realized that there’s so many people who’s experiencing a lot more than i am…Right now, I can say that the person that inspires me the most is my mom…Compared to the hardships and sacrifices that she’s done, I realized that I don’t have any right to give up, what iv’e been through does not measure half or even a quarter of everything she’s been through…Now I can say that I understand her even more now…

This morning while I was browsing through my friends on my friends list, I happened to read a blog from a 2^nd degree friend about her dad—how she feels about the loss of her dad, how she wants to tell him how much she loves him but its too late, etc..  While reading it, I just felt sad and I told myself “we’re indeed on the same boat”…

It’s been 2 years since my dad passed away but I still can’t deny the fact that every time I think about him, it seems that everything happened just recently.  I can’t still help but cry whenever I think about him—how I regret every chance I’ve wasted to show and tell him that I love him and how I appreciate everything he’s done for us/me…

My dad have been working for a large construction company abroad since we were young (according to my mom even before my kuya was born) …Because of his hard work, he was able to have our own house built and a 6-door apartment, we were able to buy a car also eventually.  I remember my mom always telling us their story when they just got married–how they managed to live in just an attic with a very low ceiling in Manila (whenever I accompany her to Divisoria, she always shows me that area near Malacañang where they used to live), how my dad worked so hard for us to be where we are right now, and how my dad have been wanting to give us everything that we need…I remember I used to be very excited every time my mom tells me he’s coming home (he comes home every year just for a month or two), Every year I keep on thinking about what to ask him for pasalubong and what I’ll tell him to buy for me when he gets here…I know, he’s the ideal father there is…But I wasn’t able to realize that as I grow up—I remember hating him big time because he became very strict.

My nightmare began when I discovered that my dad decided not to work anymore because of his illness, I was already in college then but I still managed to stay positive, I thought to myself “at least I’ll have someone to help me with my plates (he’s an architect)” but I was wrong, everything didn’t worked out the way I thought it would…  He became even more strict compared to before, I really didn’t understand him… I remember blaming him for everything bad that had happened to me, from school to everything!…  I became rebellious…  It came to a point that I no longer talk to him as if he doesn’t exist, that I’d rather not go out of my room than to see him, that I can’t stand watching TV with him, I can’t stand eating with him, I can’t stand something that has anything to do with him…  I know my mom feels bad about it but she knows she can’t do anything because we’re both (my dad and I) stubborn, she just keeps on telling me to be patient and to understand him more because he’s sick (he’s got high blood pressure) and he can no longer control his feelings because of the medicines that he take…  My mom used to tease me that I’m my dad’s favorite which I don’t usually mind…On second thought, when I was a kid he used to give me everything that I asked for…*snap* no! I still hated him…

REWIND<<<  My dad had a high blood pressure because he’s a chain smoker and he doesn’t watch what he eat…  When he’s still working he already had 2 strokes…  What alarmed us was when his officemate called our house to inform my mom that he again was stroke and the worst, he can’t remember anything—where he works, where he lives, he can’t remember his wife and us his kids…Luckily, it just lasted for a few days…When he recovered he was still able to work for a year and after that, with my mom’s persistence, he considered resigning from work…When I learned that he’s coming home and will never go back to work again, I told myself “IM DOOMED!”—true enough, I really had been…

Years had passed and we got used to not talking to one another, maybe because we both know that if we did we’ll just fight… I learned to become patient with him, I learned to understand him even more but sometimes I really can’t help to be pissed…  I still don’t talk to him…My mom served as the bridge between us, she tells me what’s up with him (and I guess she also does the same to my dad)…I remember her telling me that my dad won’t go to the doctor for a check up and she doesn’t know why, and that he still smokes and drinks (but not a lot), that he seems to always act like a kid—the doctor informed us that he’ll usually act like a kid because of his illness and its the medicines’ effect on him…

FORWARD>>>  My brother and I both work in Makati, we used to go to work and go home together… One afternoon, I received a text from my cousin telling me that my dad is in the hospital, it didn’t occurred to me that It can be that serious…  I went to my kuya’s office after work, and then we headed straight to the hospital, the hospital is just near where we live…I’ve been to hospitals before visiting friends or relatives that are hospitalized with minor illness…But I’ve never experienced being there like I had been with my dad…When we got there I saw my aunt, uncle and cousin outside…  I remember going out of the car with all smiles to greet them, it didn’t occurred to me at that time why they never smiled back…  When I entered the door beside them (knowing that it is the entrance door), I saw my other aunt crying while watching something, when I looked at where she’s watching, it’s the doctors trying to revive my unconscious dad…It was the emergency room that I’ve been to anyway…I was shocked!  I never expected to see that kind of sight…I went out of the room, and then I saw my mom crying…I tried my best to be strong for my mom, but I can’t…  I walked away from her so that she won’t see me crying…  I really can’t help it; I had a flashback of everything that we’ve been through, the good and the bad…  We’re losing him…  I can still imagine the smile on his face when I asked my mom to give him the money I reserved for him when I received my first salary, which was just a week ago…  I felt betrayed…Why now?…  When I just started giving up…  When after a very long time I finally was able to learn to forgive him…  At that time I felt very sorry for myself…  I don’t know what to feel…

Anyway, according to the doctor, there was a blood clot in his brain, as he showed us the x-ray it was quite big, and according to them they can no longer perform an operation because the clot was too big and that they can no longer do anything about it…He’s brain dead but his heart is still beating…  I know that the doctor just can’t tell us directly that there’s no hope for him… That night we decided to transfer my dad to The Medical City where he’s in the ICU for a night and since they implement strict visiting hours, we requested the hospital to just transfer him to a room wherein he can be visited anytime…  I can still remember the tubes attached everywhere–on his hands, mouth, nose…  And how I cried every time I take a glimpse on his comatose body…  When we were watching over my dad, I lied beside him and I told myself  “I’ve never been this close to him for a very long time”, It feels so good but at the same time worst because I never expected it to happen this way… I can feel his feet getting cold already (it didn’t occurred to me to be afraid or something)…  While it was just the apparatus that’s keeping him alive, we’re still hoping that a miracle would happen, but nothing did…  On the second night, the doctor talked to us and asked us what our plan was…  My mom talked to the 3 of us, and that was the first time that I felt my decision mattered…  We decided to end my dad’s suffering…  According to my mom my dad don’t want to die suffering that way…  So we decided to remove the apparatus early in the morning…  Among our senses, it’s the sense of hearing that’s least likely to disappear on my dad’s case according to many…So that night each of us whispered to him…They whispered one by one…My mom, my aunt, my uncle, my brothers… What will I tell him???… I don’t know what to say first…  I have so many things to say…  But I don’t want it to be this way, wherein he can’t respond anymore…  And then my turn came…  Still crying, I tried my best to talk for him to understand what I’m trying to say…  I found myself still grasping for breath even if I’m already finished…  I hope he understood me well…  I hope he heard me right…  I hope he can still respond… I hope I can still see the smile on his face…  Hours passed so fast, we weren’t able to sleep still waiting for just a small sign for us to change what we’ve decided…  An hour or two before the time we planned to end everything, he gave up by himself…  Like what you see in movies, the detector (I don’t know the term for it) displayed a straight line and the straight tone that comes with it…  My dad was gone…

Up to now whenever we visit him, I still can’t believe that he’s under that place…   It’s been 2 years and yet I still find myself missing him…  I still can’t forgive myself for giving him a very hard time…  How I wish he could see how I regret everything I’ve done…  How I regret all the opportunities that I’ve allowed to pass…  How I regret to understand him much earlier…  How I wish he could see how sorry I am today…

It really is true that you’ll never know what you’ve been missing until its gone…

Come to think of it, he’s still the ideal father for me after all …

Alan and I watched the "The Da Vinci Code" last Sunday (day off??,hehe)…We planned to go to the mall in the morning so that we can catch the first showing of the movie for that day..And also being the introvert that I am, we anticipated the fact that there will also be a lot who’ll be watching the movie for the same reason that we have–curiousity..True enough, when we got there we have to fall in line before the ticket counter even if it’s still closed (talk about being early huh?!), we just waited there for almost 10 minutes, though…Anyway, after buying a ticket and being able to choose the seat we’re most comfortable with, I had the thought of finishing the nachos my baby bought for me even before the movie start, haha! funny? Well, u can’t blame me I just don’t want to bother munching on something while watching a very good movie(???)

Let’s talk about the movie: I think I was just expecting too much from it, that when I fin’lly saw it, it made me feel a bit..well..can I say disappointed??..Don’t get me wrong or anything, the casts were great, and their musical score was too…Not to mention the beautiful Audrey Taotuo and the spectacular role played by Paul Bettany..Okay, okay, Tom Hanks was good also…BUT, its not what I expected from the whole story,  I mean after all the controversies here and there, I was expecting that the movie will be revealing/showing so much that the people from around the world, mostly devoted Catholics, were preventing to show it in movie theaters..Unfortunately, after seeing it I asked myself "Is this just what all the hullabaloo is all about?"…Im speaking for myself here, I’ve been from a catholic school from day one (although I don’t get to hear mass regularly nowadays) and believe me after seeing the movie it didn’t changed anything, I mean It’s just like any other movie that I’ve watched…Its not the kind of movie that will change what I believe in with just a snap of a finger or shall I say with just that 2-hour movie–and I don’t think there will  ever be such a thing..In short it doesn’t have the capacity of manipulating or influencing others…it’s not that controversial at all…I think it is just right for the MTRCB to rate it as an R-18 movie…But what I don’t understand is why do they (the people who keep on protesting) want to prevent it from showing???..Maybe they read the book–I didn’t..And according to Alan and the others there are some things that’s in the book that are not included in the movie…So what?It’s just the movie that I’m talking about anyway…I suggest they see the movie first…Well there you have it..I just hope I didn’t made anyone feel bad about this, after all we’re entitled to our own opinions, right?…Ta-ta!

A few years ago, I keep on asking myself how was it like having a relationship that will last for a year or so..I used to admire those couple who can keep their relationship for years…I’ve had several relationships before, and believe it or not, nothing lasted for a year…Its very ironic though, because just before any relationship that I had reaches a year something bad just pops out that leads to…well a break up…It led to a point that I thought that it seems to be always because of me…On second thought, definitely not…Believe me!but with respect to those who deserve to be respected (coz there really are those who don’t deserve to be) I chose to keep my mouth shut…

Anyway, After years of being in disheveled relationships…I never thought that a gradeschool and at the same time highschool classmate would answer every uncertainty that I’ve always had…

Yes!we’ve been together for 2 straight years now…And even I myself is besieged…If only I’d known he’s just a few seats away when we were in grade 1 and just an arm-length away in senior class, then I couldn’t have searched anywhere else…

I never thought that I could find someone who can put up with my family…I truly believe that Dad himself is the one who made a move for us (everything started during my dad’s wake)…I think this is crazy ‘coz I never thought that I would wake up one morning and realize that I have fallen in love with my gradeschool/highschool classmate that I never even recalled I had a moment with… But I want you to know that I am so lucky to fell in love with such an amazing person like you..Thank you for all the love and happiness you’ve brought to me..You know how hard things have been for me this last year and I know you have been through the same thing, but being the gentleman that you are you always do the best that you can to make good out of a bad situation…I  also want you to know that I am proud of your achievements and impressed by your strong will..Although I don’t constantly say it, I am proud to see you develop into who you are becoming…I am grateful for us to have wandered into one another’s world so softly and unexpectedly…Your happiness means everything to me..I love you more than you could possibly know and my love keeps growing everytime I see you struggling to make me happy…Happy 2nd year anniversary!

Recently, I’ve been making testimonials for some of my friends…I don’t know, I just have this feeling that I sooo want to keep in touch…Maybe just to remind them that I’m still here, that I never forgot them, that I’m still the usual me…

Anyway, I used to believe that friends come and go…I used to believe that friendship have this sort of ‘expiration’…What I mean is we can be very close friends at this very moment and maybe after a few months or a year we’re not anymore…I know this situation happens–for some at least…But for me this situation is sooooo normal…I used to believe that there’s really a phase where you get to know the persons, be close to them and eventually lose them in the end…If you’re going to ask me: "why is that?" I don’t know either…Maybe the reason why I’ve come up with this kind of perception is because I based it from my own personal experience…After all we learn from experience right?

Let me discuss it further: ‘expiration’, in the dictionary it simply means ending; termination; or running out…If you buy a certain food, let’s say a cinammon roll (that’s what I want to have right now, hehe) it indicates the best before seal or the expiration date, meaning its still good upto that certain date only…Same with what my perception was with friends..Why?just read on…

When I was a kid, I had a couple of friends…We’re together almost everyday…We go to school altogether, go home altogether, go out altogether, and so on…For some reason, we simply lost touch…They had their new set of friends and I had mine…Until I realized that it seems that I don’t know them anymore… And to think that its so much easy for us to talk things over since we’re just a few blocks away from each other, we just let it pass…sad but life goes on…

When I was in highschool same thing happened…Every year I have new set of friends which in some way I think is good ’cause I get to know more and more people…On the other hand, not so good cause Im the type of person who doesn’t like changes and believe me, its soo hard for me dealing with it..

During my first year in college, my blockmates became my friends…We have lunch altogether, we do assignments altogether, we go home altogether, we go out, we drink, we ride the bus/MRT drunk altogether…I stayed in that school for a couple of years…For some reason I transferred school..But before that we already had some friends who transferred school earlier than I did…And I remember them saying: "How is _____ na kaya?I miss him/her already"…And when I transferred I asked myself "Will they miss me the same way that they did with others?"Hmmm…I think they did too even for only a while…Since then I wasn’t able to see them anymore…In fairness to them, we do keep in touch but very rarely…I had so much fun being with each and everyone of them..I miss them a lot right now..

When I transferred to another school, I immediately had a lot of friends (they’re just so nice)…Anyway, to make the long story short, same thing happened…the so-called 3-phase thing–the getting to know phase, being close phase, and the losing phase…I enjoyed being with all of them though..Study, have lunch, have a break, assignments, copy from each other during quizzes, go out, smoke (quit already), get drunk, have fun–are the things that we’ve done altogether…Eventually, I had my OJT and right after that I was already offered a job (where im working right now) which I gratefuly accepted…And the usual, I lost track of them…

Apart from all of these, I do have some whom I know is always there just waiting to be needed…We may not text, talk or see each other that much, but I know that they’re still there..(you guys know who you are)and I wanna thank you for that..

And in fairness to those who think that they’re one of the persons I’m referring to here, I just want you to know that what I’ve shown you is the real ME…What I’ve offered and shared with you was pure friendship…You know me, If I don’t like the person, I will not waste my time talking to you and making you believe that I like you, Im not that kind of person…Whatever happens it just all boils down to one thing: I still treasure each and everyone of you..

See???So you can’t blame me if I was able to come up with that kind of view before–that friendship really does expire…I realized just now that we don’t lose friends..In some ways they are still there, maybe not all of them but im very definite that there will still be some at least…It just depends on how we keep in touch…

If I used to believe that friendship is just like a cinnamon roll that expires over a week,NOT ANYMORE…What I do believe right now is that friendship is like a wine that tastes even better when tested through time and when well taken care of…

Happy Heart’s Day!!!I happened to read an article on today’s newspaper which gave me an idea to come up with the same kind of my own version..Here are some of the things that I love, would love to and so on:

• I love to stay at home and sleep than go to the mall and walk around until my feet hurt–
• I love to go out with Alan though.
• I love my new 15" MAG slimtype monitor (wohoo!At last!) BUT–
• I would love to have a new CPU that’s faster than what I have right now and a keyboard to match (hehe..Is it too much??)
• I love watching TV.  My Baby often get jealous of it because once I’m in front of the TV, I don’t get to pay attention on what he’s saying if we’re talking on the phone–sorry for that! ;p
• I love surprises! It makes me feel so special–just the thought of the person spending time to think about  what surprise to come up with already melts my heart.
• I love BAGUIO!  I always imagine myself living there.
• I love UKAY-UKAY! Alan and I just discovered one in Tagaytay, and we had a lot of great finds!At a very affordable price(really Ukay-Ukay price)..We’re looking forward to going there again by March..Hope we’re not skint by that time, hehe..
• I love taking care of babies–it breaks my heart seeing them cry.
• I love sinigang! and Im good in cooking it!Hahaha!
• I would love to learn how to make pastries and stuff…I’d like to own a bakeshop someday that produces the most mouth watering cakes & pastries in town! =)  Why?Simply because–
• I love to eat!!It makes me feel bad if I don’t get to eat what I want.
• I would love to lose weight though..I know.. I know…I’m not getting any thinner..I’m eating a little less now and started to go jogging and play badminton again with my Baby at least every week, coz that’s the only time that I have..I just hope it pays off.
• I would love to have my hair back!!–Im not used having my hair cut this short..So hard to manage..
• I love taking pictures.
• I’d love to see my friends in Laguna again…I haven’t seen them for a long time now…I would want to catch up with what’s happening with their lives.
• I’d love to see those rude and good-for-nothng people suffer in hell.
• I’d love to see those copycats be themselves just for once–I dont know what they gain in imitating others like liking what they like, doing what they do, eating what they eat and other stuff–a real loser for me
• I love going to places that don’t have so many people..I don’t like being in a crowded place.
• I would love to pour hot and boiling water to those arrogant men who do not know how to respect women.  And lastly…
• I love my loved ones!!!

These are just some of what I had thought of, I can’t type the rest right now coz its getting late (in the morning) I still have something to do and Im starving already…gotta have lunch, hehe…Happy hearts day!!!

Im a self-confessed morning person (so what?!-hehe, defensive)..An ordinary day for me is waking up at 4:30 in the morning and leaving the house at 6, and since there’s no traffic jam during that time yet I arrive the office way too early–as in 7-7:30 and to think that 9-6 is our official office hours (told ya im a morning person ;p ), It doesn’t matter I think Im more effective in the morning because I tend to accomplish a lot of things than in the afternoon because that’s the time when Im starting to feel a bit uhhmm.. well sluggish…Anyway, I just want to share something with you guys that I think you can relate to, I heard this while listening to RX’s Morning Rush with Chico & Delamar just this morning–these guys keep me company everyday and I really find their show very entertaining..Their topic for today is "Top 10 things to say/do when a person is being mean to you", someone texted something quoted from Mother Theresa, I wasn’t able to jot it down because its too long..But since I want to share it with you guys and since I think that this is soooo true I searched for it on the net instead, and here it goes:

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered;
forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, People may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, there may be jealousy;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Every time you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you’ve got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, but only more love.

***Sad but True..How I wish everyone will just be good…Have a nice day guys!

For this christmas I received a book as a christmas gift from my boss,  and I think everyone is familiar with it, I forgot the author but I always hear almost everyone talk about it.  Some say its nice, others say its very inspirational but even though it became very popular I can’t seem to have interest in it…I had the chance to take a look at it once before but I didn’t had the i-so-damn-want-this-book-finished thought and I just didn’t read it since then…  I don’t know, maybe because of its popularity that I lost interest in reading it or maybe because I’m just not into those kind of books…Anyway, a couple of nights ago when I had nothing good to read (I used to read before I sleep, It makes me feel very relaxed and more sleepy, hehe-may it be an article from a newspaper, a magazine, or any book-about anything that I’m interested in), I got hold of the book with "the purpose driven life" on the cover again and decided to read a few pages of it…I finished day one!And after that I fell asleep..Just last night, I was able to think about what I’ve read the night before..these are not the exact words but it goes something like:  "everything happens on purpose, and that God had everything planned for each and everyone of us-even before we were conceived…Whether good or bad, its all part of His plan–for us to be able to know our purpose"…Yeah, I think he’s right..Maybe the reason why my brother got sick a week ago is because of his plan,  maybe the reason why I got sick right after my brother is also because of it, and because I got sick I have to file a 2-day leave from the office, and because of that I missed a lot–part of the plan, remember?..And because I got sick last week, I have to go back to my doctor for a check up after a week, and that means this Tuesday so I filed a half-day leave (again)..And because I already filed a half-day leave  the other day AND because I have tons of work to do…I was forced not to file a leave for this day even if my mom is in the hospital, and even if I think I have to be beside her…Again, everything is all part of the plan, right?!..I don’t have anything against it..But I just sooo hope that my mom being well is also part of His plan…

We all take different paths in life.  No matter where we go, however, we all take a little of each other everywhere.  The avenue of friendship is always open.  We are pedestrians who walk in and out of this path.  It was in this thoroughfare that I met my so-called friends…

I used to have a lot but through my journey I found myself losing some of them.  Its funny though because I never felt bad about it..You know why? Because in exchange to that, Im enjoying the luxury of having a very good relationship with my family.

Anyway, aside from those whom I dont have the same feathers with, of course there are those who chose to stay..They are the ones I treasure most..And eventhou we cant be with each other a lot of times or should I say almost all the time?.. I know that they know that I care for them a lot..I remember when we used to laugh our heads off to the most simple joke there is..Always, always our friendship is replete with laughter, we are all repositories of everything fun and funny..

Friendship is the easiest thing to find on earth but is also the easiest thing to lose..But those who know how to make friendship grow reap the reward of having someone to share their lives with…You know what?You only meet your once-in-a-lifetime friend once in a lifetime, and Im more than glad I have met mine..Ü

Today is friday 6:58 in the evening, taking my time by doing this while waiting for my ride home..my deadline is met right on time (the late deadline,hehe) and everything is almost done, meaning I dont have that much work to do(compared to last week).. Im supposed to feel excited because finally after a very long and tiring week i’ll be able to take a rest, sleep the whole day, and watch tv-which I sooo love…BUT I decided to work for tomorrow instead…I dont know, I just dont feel like being at home at this very moment..Its funny though, because I used to brag about my boyfriend being late in picking me up after office hours, believe it or not Im very much particular with regards to time..If you tell me that you’ll be here by 7, you better be or else everything will be spoiled..I dont like being late..But now I dont care if he arrive here by 8 or 9..If I can just spend the night here at the office, ill do…